Saturday, March 14, 2009


Feels great to finally come out of the closet! I haven't been formally diagnosed, but the traits I have exceedingly obviously point to what appears to be a mild enough version of Asperger's Syndrome. In general, I have a very rich inner world with a palpable social awkwardness (even though I have the occasionally good social moments). I have a... different... sense of humor and appreciation of certain things of which I've yet to really find someone who's enough so (which doesn't mean exactly) on the same page, though I'll never give up hope. I need a woman the same as any (strait) man.

There's an autism-like physical behavior routine I often do when alone at home (in whatever creativity mode) of which there's no need to specify here. My mind self-stimulates, or stims, to use the professional language. I'm certain any Asperger's-autism expert would agree.

At least a few great minds in history are believed to have had the syndrome (Isaac Newton and Al Einstein, for examples). Indeed I'm certain many or most people who have been superficially dismissed as "shy and awkward" are really Asperger's subjects. Most amazingly (assuming it's true), Thomas Jefferson, the most influential of the (American) founders, and like me, emphatically not a Christian, is believed to have been one of us. If true, it seems his would be the mildest form of it, with his being very Presidential, charismatic, popular.

I believe many or most of us, like me, can be great one-on-one conversationists (with the right people), but we falter, at least significantly so, in the casual group setting. There's basically nothing I dislike more than being in groups (except musical groups working on my songs, if ever applicable), or where there's anyone whom I don't know well enough.

I feel silly even pointing it out, but am compelled nonetheless: My history of the unexplained is in no way diminished by the Asperger's. There's plenty that's happened that's quite blatantly outside my imaginative, mostly inward personality. (3/14)

I'm not an outright social leper, and I'm good enough in groups where there's enough discussion of things transcendental and otherwise interesting (to me), but am currently experiencing a bit more chaotic and depressed patch. Showing signs of improvement today. (3/19)

Upon further information I recently obtained on the subject, it looks like I actually don't have Asperger's Syndrome. Still, there's only a specific, rare enough type of person with whom I could ever be close or have a real relationship... friendship or more. Nothing even vaguely resembling a personality transplant will ever be possible for me. Jeez, am I (still) ever the loneliest guy on the planet! (9/18)

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